


Putting the Dog to Sleep

by JammingWithEdward



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Inspired by Music, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Relationship Problems, Sexual Content, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Young Love, doesn't follow MM plot, made my self sad, mentions of saeyoung, wrote this late at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-23 07:24:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11397819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JammingWithEdward/pseuds/JammingWithEdward
Summary: He’d been beaten down mind, body, and soul, and he never thought he’d get himself out of that miserable life. You wanted to change that. You wanted to be there for him and love him unconditionally.  Unfortunately you realize too late that the price that comes with that is putting your own feelings on hold.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this idea had been in the back of my mind for a while. When I first heard "Putting the Dog to Sleep" by The Antlers, it sort of all came together and it just bubbled out of me. I'm not sure if I want to make this more than two chapters or a series because it was meant as a one shot. I guess we shall see!

It’s 4 in the morning and he still isn’t home. Your calls had remained unanswered and your texts left on read. You know whatever he’s up too isn’t good if he’s clearly ignoring you. You’re laying on the couch watching mostly poorly acted infomercials, the TV the only light illuminating the living room. Your eyes feel heavy with sleep finally. You hadn’t been able to sleep since you tried to go to bed around 12.

He’d been gone since 9pm telling you he was going to grab a few drinks with some old friends. You didn’t know any of them but at this point in your marriage, all you could do was let it go and allow him his space. He’d already gone through so much in his life already; you found yourself reluctant to be the nagging wife and burden him with more bullshit. You’re slow to realize in a way you were calling your own feelings bullshit.  Were you always like this?

He would get defensive and easily irritable when you pointed out he was going out too much.  It was frustrating that you didn’t have it in you to argue with him. You backed off when he’d raise his voice and tell you were free to do what you wanted also. “Listen! Go out with your friends I don't care stop making a big deal! I'll be home soon.”That was always his argument and it quickly made you bite your tongue knowing you could easily tell him to not come back if he didn't want to but you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. You were still utterly and painfully enamored, in love, cared about him with your entire existence. Yet life was quickly changing. That so called honeymoon phase everyone talks about, was turning into something not so sweet.

 It scared you tremendously, made your being feel overwhelmed with anxiety, when you realize that all those people who told you, or more so _warned_ you that you were both  too young, and didn’t know each other long enough might have been right. It was a love that came fast like a bullet. You were blind and deaf to all those opposing opinions. Both of you were looking at the world through rose colored glasses. At least initially. You’re not so sure now and it makes a heavy sensation pull at your chest.

You hear the keys rattle out in the hall of your small one bedroom apartment. The door knob rattles, someone clearly trying to get in. “F-fuck. FN!” There’s pounding on the door and you quickly snap straight up and sprint to the door not wanting your neighbors to come out and complain. You open the door and your eyes find Saeran on the floor leaning against the wall in front of your door, his leather jacket in one of his hands and his keys on the floor by his feet.

“Shit Sae, again?” You whisper and pick up his keys then rush over to help him on his feet. He may be thin but he’s really heavy as his body becomes reliant on yours for support and balance. His arm is thrown over your shoulder and yours is around his waist. He stumbles inside, legs unsteady and dragging as he steps. You walk him to the couch and set him down as you go back to the door to close and lock it.

“FN! FN! Wh-ere are you FN!” He’s slurring his speech and his movements are clear indications that he’s really inebriated. You rush back to him.

“Shhh. Saeran please be quiet you’re gonna wake the neighbors.” You whisper taking in his appearance the jacket is on the floor now, his beautiful fiery red hair tousled and sticking up in all different directions. His pale green eyes are hooded and his entire face just looked tired.

“FN, kiss me…please.” He reaches for you but you’re out of arms reach, keeping your distance upset that he came home like this another weekend in a row. Last weekend he managed to get himself inside your shared home and into bed without answering any of your questions and telling you to leave him alone because he had a headache. His excuse the next day was that it was his friend’s birthday.  The week before that he came home yelling at you because you wouldn’t answer his call or texts. Unbeknownst to him you were already asleep by then and he woke you just to yell at you for not returning his calls and worrying him. He was already on the temperamental side sober, but alcohol only managed to enhance that leaving you without much to say. Clearly there was no logic in arguing with a drunk person.

“FN…” He manages to stand and stumbles over to you. “ FN…” He places his hands on your shoulders gripping them to balance him. He leans in and places his lips over your unresponsive lips.  He tries to deepen the kiss, running his tongue over your closed lips and he pulls away. “Hey hey…are y-ou mad at me?” Clearly.  “Saeran, let’s just go to bed okay.” It was fast approaching 5 am and you were starting to feel tired again. “NO.  N-o I’m n-not tired.” He leans his lips against your ear, his breath reeked of alcohol. “I want to..to f-fuck.” You sigh. Normally that itself would get you hot and bothered but right at that moment you were annoyed.

“Saeran I’m tired- tomorrow okay?” He shakes his head not wanting to drop it. “FN please…just a quick fuck. Okay j-ust let me…” He kisses your lips and reaches under his own shirt you were wearing as pajamas and guides his cold hands clumsily to touch your skin. He glides them up your torso and finally palms one of your bare breasts underneath the shirt while moving his lips to your neck. He was always one for biting and he quickly does just that on a sensitive area on your neck. You mewl and he chuckles into that spot. “I love y-ou…so so so mu-ch FN.” He mumbles just below your jaw.

At this point you were gradually giving in. When was the last time you had sex? You can’t remember maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago. It’s been a while since you were now rarely home at the same time. You’d work in the mornings, he’d work at night and the only days you’d both be home at the same time were weekends which he seemed to be spending away from you. 

He was drunk but you couldn’t deny that you missed this. His lips on yours his hands groping your chest with eagerness. He lifts the shirt up and off and throws it on the ground as he clumsily pushes you both back to the couch, leaving you in just panties.  You land on your back first, him following to straddle you.  He puts his hands on your waist and goes back to kissing you, this kiss sloppy and all tongue.  He moans into your mouth and you shudder as his hands start caressing your thighs. “You’re sooo beautiful and so mine...p-please don’t leave me..pr-promise me…”  his hands stroke your inner thigh slowly.

You want him to keep talking and shut up at the same time. You bring your hands to his shirt and lift it up, eyes lowering to his pale taut stomach. “Wait- FN..prromise me.”He grabs your hands and stops them. You look up to his eyes and bring your lips to his again. You moan into his mouth when his fingers faintly rub over your center, you’re sensitive even through your panties. You continue to work his shirt off when he stops you again and let’s go of your lips. “Wait-“ He whispers, panting. “Off, I want it off.” You whisper breathlessly. You don’t listen to him and try to take his shirt off again but he’s struggling to tug it down again. “Sae…let me take is off.” You almost want to joke about how pointless it is that he’s feeling shy when you two have been married for over a year now. Nothing has been unseen by the other. No need for bashfulness when you’ve already seen the not so attractive sides of each other.

“FN- FN….” He quickly looses the battle (his uncoordinated movements not helping him in the mater) and you pry his hands loose from his shirt and lift it off of him.  “Saeran I love you there’s no need…to…” Your eyes lock onto a purple quarter sized bite mark on his collar bone that you’re almost 99% positive did not come from you. You look up at him and his expression changes from _“I wanna fuck you”_ to _“Shit now I’m fucked.”_  And he sure has hell was. You’re livid, though it’s slowly creeping inside you as you try to rationalize. Maybe you did it and didn’t remember? Unfortunately, that was unlikely

“ What- what the hell is that?” You quickly sit up causing him to stumble back onto the couch cushion.  “FN- I…It’s nothing. It-s not wha-what it looks like.” He reaches for you again and you shrug him off.

You furrow your eyebrows in anger. Angry tears well up in your eyes. “There’s no way you can get yourself out of this one Saeran. I…can’t believe you did this I-”

“FN.. please look listen…it..it di-didn’t go far…I stopped it I stopped it before it got far. She meant nothing… I don’t even remember her name…look FN please… we just kissed…I ss-swear. I swear on my worthless life nothing happened.” He starts crying and he reaches for your hands. You pull them away and reach for his shirt on the floor instead to cover yourself up.

You get up off the couch not wanting him to see you cry. He quickly, though ungracefully, stands up and stumbles after you he grabs your arm. You turn and see the tormented look on his face as he realizes you’re not saying anything. You’re leaving him. You can’t. He’d been left by everyone he loved and survived it, barely managing but he knew he wouldn’t last this time. Knew he wouldn’t be able to stand another blow like this.

“Please FN please don’t leave don’t leave.” He kneels on the floor before you and grabs your hand. “You..I.. I won’t do this again I promise you I won- pl-please FN.”

“Don’t! Saeran please get up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t… I won’t watch you destroy yourself while you use me to feel better whenever you feel like it. Use me to pretend you’re okay. You don’t love me. You love that I do what you say and stay no mater how much you hurt me! I love you I still do! I love you and will love you and meant it when I said forever. But you…you hurt me like this…I don’t deserve this. You yell at me when I try to talk to you and try to help you and you don’t care! You don’t care about how I feel.” Your voice cracks and you’re also crying.  Saeran looks up at you his tears staining his now reddened face. He’s beyond ashamed and guilty. He’d never seen you cry like that, its gut wrenching hearing you say you think he doesn’t love you.  

You take advantage of Saeran trying to get himself upright and you rush to the bedroom.  He’s stumbles after you. “FN don’t…please don’t do this!” He cries out and your heart shatters as you close and lock the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lied this will probably be more then two chapters T.T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: brief mentions of suicidal thoughts.

**Two years ago**

The first time you saw him was in line at a coffee shop. Though as predictable as it sounded that wasn’t the first time you interacted with him. You had just gotten out of class, done for the day and decided to work on your assignments at a local place hoping it wasn’t packed. Many students studied there meaning the wifi for the most part was shitty but the coffee was good.

 You walk in, relieved to find there’s only a handful of people sitting at tables and one person in line. You stand behind them, scrolling through your phone idly, tapping your foot as you hear the person in front of you order a plain cup of black coffee.  You finally look up when he pays and the cashier hands him his receipt. Your eyes go directly to his hair, it’s an odd white color with light pink streaks on random sections of his hair. On someone else you might think it’s a bad dye job but for some reason he’d effortlessly managed to pull it off.  He was wearing a black hoodie underneath a large dark, worn out denim jacket and black jeans with combat boots. Around his neck he had a black leather choker with a ring in the middle. Definitely looked the part of a punk and even at profile, his face wore a deadpanned expression.

“Are you ready to order or do you need more time?” The cashiers voice gradually comes back into focus and you realized you had spaced out. Your face heats up at very clearly being caught checking out the guy before you. “Um no… sorry I-  can I get a medium caramel iced coffee please?” You quickly voice. They input your order, you pay, and you walk over to a table to set your stuff out and begin your work.

The stranger’s order number gets called and you look up from your laptop to see him get up from his seat. He grabs his drink and walks towards the door. For some reason he decides to look over in your direction at the exact moment you’re watching him and you look down quickly in embarrassment hoping he couldn’t tell you were blushing. You look back up and he’s out the door without so much as a second glance. You sigh.

/////////////////////////////////

It’d be random when you’d see choker guy in the coffee shop again. He’d get the same thing, and be on his merry way while you wasted your glances on him, him seemingly oblivious or uninterested. You didn’t mean to seem like a lurker in the background, but you couldn’t help but look at him dreamily when he wasn’t looking. He was really attractive, and you knew a guy like that wouldn’t ever give you the time of day (your mind had created scenarios where he had a really cool and attractive girlfriend with tattoos and electric blue hair or a shaved head she managed to pull off stunningly). You were an admirer, that was for sure and you were going to leave it at that, not really hoping for anything.

On a particular day, it was cloudy and gray and it reflected your mood after taking 4 finals in a day and having a paper due that same night. You walk into that local coffee shop, noting Mr. Choker wasn’t there that day and you berate yourself internally for feeling disappointed that the stranger wasn’t there for you to ogle him. You order your usual with 2 extra shots of espresso, and decide to do your work at home not wanting to risk getting caught in the rain. As you’re making your way home it starts pouring and you groan. Just your luck. You were a few blocks away from your apartment and you really thought you’d make it but that particular day the universe decided to prove you wrong in every way possible.  Not wanting to risk your back pack with your laptop in it getting drenched, you run into a convenience store and grab an umbrella on the display rack at the entrance and go to purchase it.  Your stomach somersaults when you spot a familiar head of white pink hair at the counter purchasing cigarettes.  

For some reason you want to turn around and run (not like he knows you exist) but he turns before you can even decide and doesn’t even look your way as he limps towards the exit opening the carton with a shaky bloody-knuckled hand, and pulling a cig between his teeth. You gasp as he clearly looked like he got jumped.  The brief glimpse you got of his face showed a swollen black eye, a busted lip, and a bruised cheekbone.  You stare after him when the cashier gets your attention.

“Don’t know what happened but low life’s like him are what’s wrong with the world. All these hoodlums causing all this ruckus and fighting, I don’t know what went wrong with the youth of today.” You frown at the old man and decide to not pay him any mind, not wanting to start a pointless argument.“How much for the umbrella?” “Five even miss.” You place the five on the counter and walk towards the exit hoping, for some reason, to catch choker guy outside.  That was probably not the smartest or safest thing to hope.

You open the umbrella, the rain not having let up and spot the stranger, not caring he was getting soaked and grabbing onto the fence beside him to help him walk. You hadn’t realized you were walking towards him until you see him stop, making you stop. You were still a few stores away from him. You can see him grip the fence with his fingers and try to stable himself as he leans forwards and back, unsteady, when he suddenly collapses onto his back. You gasp, your heart sinks, not believing that was happening in front of you and instinctively you run towards him. 

He’s on the ground unconscious and you lean over him on your knees and grab his shoulder with one hand your umbrella shielding you both. “Hey..Hey! Shit! Wake up!...hey!” You check his pulse and his heart beat was faint. You were terrified. This stranger was dying right in front of you. You think fast and pull out your cell phone. You call the police and frantically yell that someone on the street just collapsed. You move his hair away from his face and see a bump and dried blood on the crown of his head. You think he had a concussion.  They inform you they sent an ambulance and you wait with him. There’s no one actually walking around you and cars past by the both of you but no one stops to help.

You’re crying, bawling almost, for this person who you’ve never even talked too. “Hey wake up! Please please wake up jeez I cant- !” Your voice cracks and you feel useless.  You check his pulse and you don’t feel anything, he felt cold. Your stomach drops and your blood runs cold. You lean your ear on his chest. Nothing. You bring your hand to your mouth and sob. “No! No! please don’t don’t die! Please don’t die!” You throw your umbrella to side at this point the rain the least of your worries. You throw your backpack off and climb over him.  You were CPR certified thanks to your job and you tried not to let your panic get the best of you. You press down on chest in a steady rhythm, pinch his nose and breathe into his mouth.  You could taste the metallic flavor of his blood and at the moment it doesn’t cross your mind that its risky to continue doing it.

You ignore the blood and continue counting the pumps on his chest and breathing into his mouth. Your tears have made your vision blurry but you work through it. You wouldn't stop until help arrived. Suddenly you hear a sharp intake of breath and violent hacking. You sigh loudly in relief and climb off him and reach to steady his head not wanting him to hurt himself. For the first time you notice the color of his eyes, they were a strange pale green color and were hauntingly beautiful.

The ambulance arrives right at that moment thankfully and you look down at him his head on your lap as the paramedics rush over to you both. The police come to ask you questions and you answer them as best as you can through your shock. They carefully move him to a gurney and haul him inside the ambulance as you stand there. They ask if you know him and you say no. They ask if you want to ride with him to the hospital anyway, you say no. Honestly you were still shaken up and although you probably wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night, you wanted nothing more than to go home.

///////////////////////

He’s released from the hospital after three weeks, no one came to visit. He’s sure he’d gotten fired from yet another job after being gone that long.  They paid shit money anyway. Apparently he had a concussion, some internal bleeding, along with a cracked cheekbone and broken knuckles.  For the first few days he had trouble recalling how he got there. The last thing still ringing clear in his memory is getting jumped by some gang around the corner of his apartment, the rest is blank.  Just his fucked up luck that they randomly chose to fuck him up him just for kicks.  They didn’t even take his money. He turns his attention to the doctor droning on and on.

The doctor tells him about how he should take care of himself and blah blah he tunes out through most of the conversation. When he mentions he can prescribe some stuff for pain, that gets his attention.  “-so I would advise you not to drive when taking them, they can make you drowsy and cause dry mouth. Any questions?”  Saeran shakes his head.  “Okay take care of yourself son, don’t get into more trouble, oh and be sure to thank that person who managed to resuscitate you before you were brought in, it was truly a miracle.”

Saeran furrows his brows in confusion, but the doctor walks out of the room before he can ask him questions. _Person?_

There was someone with him that day? No he would’ve remember being around someone, anyone.

//////////////////////////

He makes it home after going to the pharmacy to get his prescription. He takes off his dirty and bloodied clothes, the same ones he wore three weeks back, and sits himself on his bed in his boxers as he opens the bottle of pain meds and pops in 4, followed by a long gulp of water. The dosage was high on just one pill, but all he wants to do is sleep and honestly never wake up.

Six hours later he does wake up unfortunately, in cold sweats, his hair matted to his forehead, his hands shaking from yet another nightmare. Unlike all his other ones however there’s someone new, a girl , someone who looked painfully familiar yet he didn’t know who she was. In his dream she’s on his side, she’s running away with him and holding his hand as they’re chased by a massively growing wave of water that’s destroying and drowning everything and anyone in its way. He sees his mother, Saeyoung, his father, behind him being carried away with debris, screaming for help. He runs, literally for his life and the girl mouths something he can’t make out. She’s yelling but no sound comes out.  Eventually the wave gets them too and everything goes black, that’s when he wakes up. He catches his breath, then sits up, his stomach growling. He rubs his good hand over his face and tries to think back on her features, and he suddenly recalls where he’s seen her. The girl from the coffee shop.

////////////////////////

You stopped going to that coffee shop. After that day you didn’t feel like you could face him again. In your heart you hope he was okay and was back to his everyday life.  But you were honestly scared of seeing him again. Scared of breaking down. Scared of being reprimanded for not minding your own business. You never know people and you certainly didn’t know him and to you it seemed like the smartest thing to do.

It had been over a month since you saw him last and even though you were avoiding purposely crossing paths with him, you still thought about him. You wanted answers at the same time you didn’t want to know if he was involved in something shady or criminal.  You stop yourself when he crosses your mind only to start day dreaming about him again.

You were on your way home from work, the sun was setting.  You pass the coffee shop as it’s on your route.  You scroll through your phone idly. You yawn thinking about what to make for dinner when someone calls after you.

//////////////////////////

He hadn’t seen her at the coffee shop anymore and even went so far as to check everyday since he'd been home, hoping by coincidence she happened to be there. He didn’t think about asking the barista and cashier if they’ve seen her not wanting to seem like a creep and just waited patiently until he decided she wasn't coming that day.

He was looking out the window when he saw a familiar face walking past . He chokes on his coffee and quickly stands and makes his way outside. He remembers her hair color and her skin color that was flushed the one time he looked in her direction. “Hey! Hey you!”

She turns around and his breath hitches in his throat. What was he suppose to say? He didn’t think this through. Her eyebrows furrow clearly confused. _She doesn’t remember me?_ Oh it’s his hair, he’d dyed it back to its natural color after his roots had grown out. “Um….Oh.” realization washes over her features and her mouth is agape. She doesn’t know what to say either.  Saeran approaches her and she takes a few steps back before she turns around and walks away.

“Hey wait!!”  He jogs after her and she stops reluctantly. Her back is still towards him and he thinks fast before she decides to run off again.  “Hey I’m not a creep, sorry to bother you…really I am... it’s just…are you…did you by chance help me once? ” His face warms at how nervous and hesitant he sounded.

She doesn’t  reply to him but she doesn’t move either, so he keeps talking. “I can’t remember if it was you or not, for some reason you look familar to me. So if it was I just want to say...thanks.” Saying that sounds strange to him almost ridiculous, he’d never been one to give gratitude ever. Especially not to strangers.  Maybe it was his foggy brain from the drugs that made him not give a shit anymore. .

She nods curtly and very faintly says. “You’re welcome.” And she walks away again. Saeran eyes widen. “I-uh wait!” He walks over to her but this time he goes in front of her. “What’s your name?” He’s bewildered when he see’s tears in her downcast expression.

She bites her lip, it was obvious she was uncomfortable and she starts fidgeting with her hands. She sighs and looks up at him, tears pooling in her eyes that she wipes away frantically with her fingers.

“I-I..  did I say something to offend you?” Saeran doesn’t know what to do or say, his eyes are wide in bewilderment.

She chuckles through her nose softly and shakes her head. “No..um its just good to see you’re okay.”

This time his mouth dropped and he was flabbergasted. She was crying... because of him? That’s a first.

“I’m (FN).”

Saeren gathers himself and tries to be normal. “Saeran.”

She smiles. And for some unfathomable reason he smiles too.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to those who've indulged in my little angst induced mess.

**Present day**

You wake up, recalling how you fell asleep listening to Saeran’s soft sobbing outside your door. Last night wasn’t the worst you’d ever seen him but it was up there. He broke down and in the process was breaking you down with him. You had dealt with this though. Dealt with his moodiness, his depressive episodes, his isolated moments.  You took in all his pain and without realizing it, made it your own.

You first noticed the problems with the pills. He’d say they were for pain but he’d be sleeping all the time and be irritable when he didn’t take any. It wasn’t until you begged him to seek treatment that you saw a major shift in his demeanor. He went back to being the sweet, at times shy, at times playful Saeran you fell in love with.  However, for all the time he spent in rehab and therapy, recently you were seeing him falling off the path again. He was coming home drunk, was more distant than usual and would avoid talking to you whenever he could. You didn’t want to accept that he was really capable of this again. That he was destructive, taking anyone near him down with him. It was hard for you to keep up.

In your early days, you shared intimate moments where you’d stroke his hair as he laid his head on your lap and talk for hours about his broken family, his absent father, his abusive mother, the time he spent being homeless when he ran away from home at 16, and how his own twin brother ran away at 14. You in turn, would tell him about your own home life, unloading every bit of who you were onto him. There was a mutual bond of trust formed between the two of you.

You were well aware six months isn’t enough time to truly know someone, but you’d felt connected from the moment you both met. You got married at twenty on his twenty second birthday, not seeing yourself with anyone else but him and despite how troubled he was, you loved him, flaws and all. He was passionate, intelligent, deep, and just all around beautiful. You’d seen his playful, affectionate side just as much as you’d seen his reclusive temperamental side.  Being with him was definitely a roller coaster you never thought you’d ever want to get off of. The emotional exhaustion you currently felt made you question everything.

You finally get up out of bed, a slight migraine making its presence known in your head. You walk to the door and try to be quiet as you unlock and open it. You struggle a bit when Saeran's body was pressed up against the door sound asleep.

You sigh as you grab his upper body with one hand and slowly open the door, setting him down on the floor gently. He stirs and groans, waking up and stretching his stiff limbs. He sits up slowly and struggles to open his eyes as a painful headache causes his eyes to strain. You were still behind him a hand on your hip. He realizes your presence behind him and he looks up at you with hooded blood shot eyes. He looked a disheveled mess and as much as you want to yell at him for hurting you and cheating on you last night you bite your tongue.

“I’m-“  You cut him off as you step  around him and walk away towards the bathroom.

“(FN)!” You don’t stop this time.

You walk into the bathroom and rid yourself of your t shirt and panties. You felt exhausted as you walk into the shower and turn it on. You stand under the shower head for about 5 minutes before Saeran walks in. You see his silhouette through the curtain as he shuffles out of his clothing. You don’t say anything when he pulls the shower curtain open and steps in, your back is towards him. You felt numb. You could easily yell at him to leave you alone. _Do you even have the gall to do so?_

“Do you want me to leave?”His voice is hoarse.  His tone lets you know he’s not just referring to leaving the shower.

You lift your head up to the pouring water and shut your eyes as it cascades down your face.

You rub your hands over your face feeling tears well up in your eyes again.

“Do you _want_ to leave?”  You ask instead, looking down at the water cascade down to your feet.

“No of course not, I-“

“Then why did you let some other person do that to you. Mark you. Put their mouth on you? Why did you hurt me if it’s not so you can get out of this.”

 “That’s the farthest thought from my mind, in fact that’s never crossed my mind ever.” You scoff and turn around to face him.

“Then why did you fucking do it?! Are you that fucking bored? That horny?! I don’t understand what I did to make you find solace in another person!” You raise your voice, making his eyes widen at the lack of your usually composed and level headed attitude.

He looks down. “I did what I did because-“

“No, look me in the fucking eye.” You say sternly.

He visibly flinches and looks up at you and you can see tears pool in them.“…because I’m a fucking coward and I don’t deserve you. I know I don’t. ..and it fucking terrifies me that you’ll realize this and leave just like everybody else!”

“Why do you have to use that against me though?! I’ve only ever loved you! When are you going to get that through your thick skull? I married you when everyone else thought we were crazy idiots for doing so. I fell in love fast and maybe we rushed into this. Maybe you thought you loved me and in actuality you’re over this, I-” You’re sobbing and he cuts you off when he reaches you and embraces you, a hand holding your head against his shoulder and the other wrapped strong and firm around your waist.

“Shhh…don’t…don’t say that please. I know! I know I’m a fuck up! I know I don’t tell you how much I appreciate you, how much all this fucking bullshit in my mind just makes me fuck shit up and I hate it I fucking hate it! I’m sorry!” He sobs into your hair and you embrace him back, your arm around his own waist and the other rubbing his back softly.

You stand there embracing each other waiting for him to calm down. Your hand comes up to his wet locks and you massage your finger nails on his scalp soothingly.

 “I’ll probably grow to love you more but as much as I love you I don’t think I could forgive another fuck up like that again. You need to talk to me. Don’t bottle that shit up please I’m begging you don’t do that to us.” Your voice is shaky and you kiss his shoulder affectionately.

Saeran is overcome with shame, guilt, regret, and he wants nothing more than to spend his life making it up to you.  He untangles himself from your grasp and grabs your face in both hands.

“I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry.” His lets out a shaky breath and leans his forehead against yours, your lips touching faintly.

“You’re gonna have to earn my trust again.” You wrap your hand around his own that's placed on your cheek. He uses his thumb to rub the tears over your cheeks away.

“I know and I’ll fucking prove myself again I swear.” He presses firmly onto your lips finally. He molds his lips to yours, shifting angles as he delves deeper into the kiss. Your mouth opens and his tongue greets yours. He breathes through his nose harshly groaning when you respond to his kiss. A hand comes to grasp the back of your neck pulling you as close as possible to him.

When your lungs are burning you finally let go and pant into each other’s mouths. He leans down and applies a soft kiss on your pulse point. “I’ll love you always, I meant it then and I mean it now.” He whispers . He turns you around so you’re pressed against the wall opposite of the downpour if the shower. He kisses down your neck, nipping skin randomly causing you to whimper. He leans his head down as he trails kisses down your chest. Your breath hitches when his lips press a kiss over a hardened nipple and he mirrors the action to the other. He runs his lips down your sternum to your stomach. He kneels on the floor and grips your hips as kisses each side. You bite your lip when he kisses right over your pubic area just pressing his lips against you.

You let out a shaky breath. “You do know you’re gonna have to do more than eat me out for me to forgive you right?” You tease, breathily.

Saeran chuckles and looks up at you as he grabs your left calf and hauls it over his shoulder, spreading you wide in front of him. You flush from your face, down to your chest, butterflies in your stomach.

“Just let me have you right now..it’s all I’ll ever want honestly.” His deep voice has a sensual undertone as he locks eyes with you and leans in for the first taste. You’re covered in goosebumps and spasm as his tongue dives within your slick folds. Your hands come to grip his hair between your fingers to ground yourself as your body feels like it’ll float away. You arch your back and let out the first stream of moans, they sound loud as the shower resonates the sound.  That's when you quickly become aware that the shower’s running, the water left unattended.

“Sae-sae, AHHhh! T-turn off the shower, PLEEEASE-AH!”  You pant as Saeran nips your clit as he pulls away to look up at you and you groan at the lost of contact. He smiles as he lets you go and stands to turn to turn off the shower.

 “A little fucking late to be environmentally conscious, don’t you think?” He approaches you and you chuckle as he grabs your face with both hands and kisses you. Your hands grab his wrists has he deepens the kiss his tongue darting into your mouth to meet yours. You essence fills your taste buds. He always had the habit of kissing you when he was eating you out, as if he thought he needed to share it.

One of your hands gets a mind of its own as your fingers lightly trail up his thigh and search for his member. He moans into your mouth when you teasingly run your finger tips lightly over his hard on and he lets go of your lips with wet pop, breaths ragged.

You grip it in your hand and stoke up and down as he leans his forehead onto your shoulder. His moans are soft as you keep a steady pace, working him until he’s close. You reach with your other hand and fondle his balls.  His breaths speed up and you can tell he’s close when he wraps his hands around yours to stop.

“F-fuck... wait… let me take care of you first.” He grabs your hands and places them around his neck. He gets between your legs and bends his knees as he grabs the backs of your thighs and lifts you up, your legs wrapping around him. His cock sits against your stomach and you lean to kiss him again just as he opens the shower curtain and steps out with you in his arms. Surprising you of his strength. You kiss his neck and suck on his skin as he walks you to your bedroom.

You knew the euphoric blissful feeling that comes with the physical aspect of your relationship only lasted a few hours after the both of you orgasmed and then it’d be back to your everyday struggles. It was worth getting lost in each other for however long you both managed but you vowed from this point on, you weren’t going to remain passive. As scared as you were to put a possible strain on your relationship for the sake of your feelings being heard, you wouldn’t let him be the only priority. Both of you individually needed to work on yourselves. You’d be sure to share this with him when you’d bring up therapy again.

He places you gently on the bed, the sheets dampen with the weight of your bodies. He climbs over you and brings his hand up to caress your cheek again. He leans down to kiss you and he pauses when you part your lips to say something.

“Promise me we’ll try harder to take care of each other Sae.”  You whisper.

He nods. “I promise.” He whispers back and he kisses your lips with fervor. You were optimistic despite the cycle you found yourself in. Despite it all, you knew it would take a lot to quit this.


End file.
